Olympic Glory

This photo pretty much sums up my opinion of the Olympics…

Annoy and Alienate Your Co-workers

Yo. From the streets of Westchester. How can I help you with yo mofuckin' database today?

Within any group of people at least one of them is going to be a complete dick. Take a look around your office. Study the faces looking for the true dick. Not the douche–that’s your boss–but the dick. Don’t see him? Good. Because it’s you. Now, being that you are a total dick, here are some great things you can do to your co-workers. I’ll just name a few that we have done at work.

1. End every sentence with the phrase “in my pants”. Telling Paul the old sales guy that Tina “just went to lunch…in my pants” totally confuses him. 

   Paul: Heya, Joe. *finger guns*

   Joe: How’s it hanging …in my pants.

   Paul: Seen Tina? I need her to get the quarterly reports together.

   Joe: She just went to lunch…in my pants.

   Paul: I…see…tell her to see me when she gets back.

   Joe: Have a great afternoon in my pants.

2. Smell your hands all through a meeting. No matter what. Just keep smelling your palms. Trust me. It freaks people out.
3. Change the message on people’s voicemails while they are at lunch. Also, delete messages.
   • Old Message: Hi, this is Marie. I’m sorry that I am unable to take your call. I am currently assisting other customers. I will return your call as soon as possible. Have a nice day.
   • New Message: This is Marie. I am currently in the bathroom giving birth to an eight pound coffee-induced shit. Can’t I take a fucking shit in peace?
4. Every time you walk by it, pull the fridge door open and leave it. Wide open.
5. Microwave a Hot Pocket in ten second intervals during lunch.
6. Never flush. Tell people you are an environmentalist and saving water.
7. Make up a religion and try to convert everyone. If it involves alien worship, all the better.
8. Ask everyone to pledge money for your “beerathon”–cash only. It’s for a good cause.
9. Wrap up a mysterious package with tons of packing tape and run over to a co-worker and beg them to hide it for you. Mumble something about them being after you as you run away.
10. Leave people anonymous memos saying you know what they are up to.
11. Carbon copy everyone on everything.
12. Call everyone “Fresh” or “Homeslice” and try to give them a pound. Tell everyone how you are from the streets.
13. Talk to everyone you can about “So you think you can Dance” or “American Idol” even if you have no idea what is going on with those shows. Just make it up.
14. Tell everyone how uncomfortable it is for you wear dress pants with your enormous horse cock.
15. Brag about your MMA training and how the UFC keeps calling you. Show people moves and ask them to try to hit you.
16. Keep acting like you can’t hear people until they are shouting. Then tell them to stop shouting at you.
17. Get drunk at work. But not too drunk. Just drunk enough. This is my personal favorite. When this happens, numbers 1-16 usually take place.

E-how has a long running list of others here: http://www.ehow.com/how_2054211_drive-annoying-coworker-crazy.html?ref=fuel&utm_source=yahoo&utm_medium=ssp&utm_campaign=yssp_art

Kung Fu Monday…

Dude, your shoes untied….*kick in the balls*

 

My boss told me that I have a bunch of sales calls to return and reports to finish but I am sure these were only suggestions on how to fill my time. I personally think the emotional well-being and sense of accomplishment I will achieve by beating the last boss in KUNG FU is far more important for the company. I should host a seminar.  

 

Link to the game here: http://www.mofunzone.com/online_games/kung_fu_remix.shtml

 

 

Warehouse Fight!

  

 

Johnny attempted to put Shonuff in a bodybag...

The rumor mill here has it that there was a fight Friday between two guys in our warehouse. This was awesome news for me because one of the guys looks exactly like Johnny Lawrence and the foreman he got in a fight with looked just like Shonuff. Apparently “Johnny” showed up to work drunk and “Shonuff” didn’t appreciate that. A polite exchange of words ensued. “Johnny” took a swing on “Shonuff” who easily stepped aside and then dropped “Johnny”. “Johnny” was out cold. He came to a few seconds later and totally barfed everywhere. This is significant for me because it answers the age old question: Who would win in a fight between Johnny and Shonuff? Let’s Analyze:

1.   Johnny Lawrence got beat by Daniel LaRusso, hands down the biggest Mary of all time.  (1 point Shonuff)

2.   ShoNuff got beat by Leroy who had the glow. (1 Point Lawrence)

3.   ShoNuff also had the glow. But it was the red glow, so it was obviously bad. (1 Point Lawrence)

4.   Johnny was the bad guy in Back to School and wore a freaking red Speedo (1 Point Shonuff)

5.   The Triple Lindy was Fucking Awesome (1 Point Dangerfield)

6.   Johnny had a kick ass mullet but Shonuff’s hair is much better, hands down (1 point Shonuff)

7.   Johnny got beat by the worst move ever in the history of martial arts, the crane kick (1 point Shonuff)

Who’s the Master, Johnny?

 

This reminds me of the time when I was walking in Midtown and there was a guy wearing a Burger King sign getting into a shoving match with a guy holding a McDonald’s sign. The McDonald’s guy quickly turned the sign into a battle-axe. The epic battle continues!

So there you have it folks, Shonuff should have won. And did.

Where’s the Clean Getaway? The Upper Decker?

 

Beware the turd burglar

So this is totally old but I can’t help myself. In fact, I was reminded of this as I took an Astaire because Uncle Ted was combing his hair and freshening up his Aqua Velva. Damn him!

 Work Poop Survival Guide
CROP DUSTING
When farting, you walk really fast around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn’t know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

FLY BY
The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE
A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK
When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME
Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER
A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet POOPER enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet POOPER before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N)
A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS
A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a POOPER of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR
Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH
A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE
A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the bathroom immediately so the POOPER can poop in peace.

WATERMELON
A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a WATERMELON coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANAOMELET
A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an ASTAIRE.

UNCLE TED
A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.